So here I was, sitting watching TV, flaffing about on my phone on a Saturday afternoon when I seen Adeles post looking for some views of mens experience with their partners going through perimenopause.

We had been decorating the living room the week or so, so this was the first week that felt in ages, that the place was actually clean and tidy. Wife is at her dad’s helping to clean up there. Daughter (8 yrs) is out playing with her friends and has been for a few hours now. I have the house to myself. I need to clean/tidy something. I don’t know who’s coming back later? Will it be good/happy wife or will it be not happy wife? Something needs to be done to show I’ve not been sitting doing nothing, even though we cleaned the house yesterday and I know this and I know she knows this but something must be done to show I’ve not been sitting doing nothing.

There’s a small bit of panic that when she comes home, an argument will start about nothing having been done and already I’m thinking of how that argument will finish, that she’s just being her, sorry for going off like that, that she knows there’s nothing needing done but what about everything she’s said/will say during the argument? It’s all well and good to say sorry for how she acted (and it is appreciated) but words stick. Doubt creeps in. How I am as a husband. Am I enough for her? Can I live up to her expectations? Am I doing/not doing enough to support her?

I have raised my bar but it never seems enough. She comes home and it’s happy wife. She goes for a shower and we cuddle up/play/chat with the kid for the rest of the night. It’s a good night. I feel that the mood swings are a huge thing cause you literally never know where they are going to come from and when they will happen and when they do happen. They can literally change her personallity/mood within minutes and then your on the backfoot trying to make things right. If you know its just a mood swing/nothing personal/new HRT patch day you can just blow it off but that then leads on to a heated discussion of not paying attention/responding to keep the argument going.

I absolutely will be there to take some of the brunt of when emotions (or whatever) builds up and she needs someone to vent/rant to/at about whatever but for a lot of the time, these seem to rhetorical questions that you cannot answer correctly. It’s rhetorical so there really isn’t a response needed/to be given but if I don’t respond I’m ignoring her. If I do respond I can guarantee it’s the wrong answer. I have tried asking from time to time (and this does seem to work sometimes) are you needing a rant? Go for it. Have at it. Are you actually wanting my advice? OK here’s what I think.

But one thing I would say, is as much as she has her friend groups (most of who I get on with really with as well) I’m the only one she will vent/rant at which is sometimes where the heated discussion come from. It’s her work colleagues not pulling their weight (OH works in legal), it’s her sisters not helping out with dad enough etc if I don’t answer/respond I’m part of the problem, if I do answer respond, again it will be the wrong answer or just glazed over.

I had mentioned to her after reading another post that another husband pointed out that its us (husbands) that get pretty much full force of these rants even if it’s about us. How come she doesn’t rant to other people? How can she stay “in character” when speaking with other friends, colleagues, family folk but we get the off load? This can be really trying sometimes when we are going through things that we don’t want to add to your burdens. For me mostly, I like to just be in my own head space to deal with my issues but that’s pretty hard to do when I need to juggle my face to show im listening, to prioritise her needs first.

Last thing I would mention is intimacy. There is nothing there. I feel I’m the one who goes to hold hands. Who tries to initiate intimate time in bed but more often than not would be rejected so much so that now I get rejected cause I’m not making an effort, just going in with “want to go to bed wink wink and a laugh” (trying to keep this part clean for reading lol) which is obviously not a turn on for anyone but in reality I have really forgotten HOW to make the effort that she wants because why try? She tells me that she still likes me in that way, that she still finds me attractive but physically does nothing to show it, makes no physical contact. I have suggested we go to adult sites for toys (nothing seedy) that we can use together, she can sort herself out, I can sort myself out, no need for physical contact and we can work our way back up. She can work out what will help her (with dryness/tightness etc) I let her know that there’s absolutely no expectation that intercourse HAS to happen but let’s try get that closeness back and work out new signals that one of us is interested.

At the very least, taking some “alone time” for herself can help with head aches, soreness, getting a bit of a nap in (have read this in other articles about intimacy) and I don’t need to be there but seems like that part is just about gone so I’m on my own in that department for the time being.

Overall perimenopause sucks a*s. It causes so much doubt and anxiety for both sides. It causes fights that have absolutely no point to them and (I imagine she has thought about this as well at some point) makes you question whether you want to be in this relationship anymore. I have never once thought about divorce or cheating or anything like that but I have thought I don’t need this. I have always supported my wife, give her positive compliments, push her (lightly) to do what she wants to do but if she turned around and said she wanted a divorce…. I’m not sure I would fight that as much as I have trying to deal with everything else and the support I have gave her over the years so far.

I still love her so much and recently HRT looks like it has been having an overall positive impact so I’m hoping this will improve as time goes on.